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Compulsions often sound like what I described above: rumination on imagined scenarios, mental reviewing of past interactions, “checking” for attraction. It can attack individuals of any sexual orientation. Like all OCD, it latches onto our closest values and truths, causing us to doubt ourselves. If you have never heard of sexual orientation OCD, it is a common subtype of OCD in which one feels highly distraught and fearful of never knowing their true sexual orientation. I had a few casual, PG flings with boys throughout high school, but it was impossible to settle into them due to the fact that I was constantly wondering, “am I actually attracted to this person?” “Is this what it’s supposed to feel like?” “Could I really be into both?” “Oh god, I hope I’m not into both.” Note: I do not believe gender to be a binary, but I didn’t know that then. I noticed both men and women, hoping one was true and the other wasn’t. But I’m a cheerleader, I’d think, or it’s not like I’m checking anyone out in the locker room… I agonized over what it meant that as a young child, I kissed a girl regularly. I imagined sexual scenarios with both genders to test whether or not I wanted them to happen. Forming hypotheses and then testing them in my head. With this memory came the extreme distress that did not leave me for years: I became a scientist of my sexuality, dissecting attraction. We would reenact scenes we’d seen in the movies our older siblings watched or make up our own scenes. From ages 4-6, my neighborhood best friend and I, a girl, used to kiss.
![am i gay test with scenarios am i gay test with scenarios](https://images.theconversation.com/files/110230/original/image-20160203-5840-b8u2ch.png)
![am i gay test with scenarios am i gay test with scenarios](https://media.newyorker.com/photos/59096ed1ebe912338a376c56/master/pass/Schulman-Gay-Voice.jpg)
Without warning, the projector in my brain began to play a childhood memory I’d forgotten about. I watched my teammates jump and stunt and tumble, awaiting my turn to get thrown in the air. In 7th grade, close to a decade before knowing OCD was anything besides a preference for cleanliness and organization, I was sitting on the sidelines of the gymnasium for cheerleading practice. This post was originally published at on April 5, 2021. Bisexuality & Sexual Orientation OCD: Double Invalidation